Since I am terrible at social media, I hope my intermittent posts do not come as any sort of surprise. I am, admittedly, only writing now because I am languishing at my desk within an odd combination of boredom, frustration and helplessness. Some background:
I've been fighting with my main PC for quite some time now. I am not entirely certain of what the problem with it is. What I know is that the computer will occasionally not initialize video upon restart. My monitor will simply remain blank and then go into standby mode. Various amounts of restarting have fixed the issue so far, though when it takes more than a couple hours to get the computer to respond things tend to become frustrating.
It would be nice if I knew what the actual problem was. It could be the video card, which seems likely. Although my video card was quite expensive when I purchased it, a standard $150 card would exceed its capability now. I don't have $150, though, and I am not entirely certain the video card is really the thing to blame.
The motherboard doesn't even beep or give any indication of a detected issue. I think perhaps this could mean that the motherboard is faulty. This is a really old motherboard, though, and if I replace it, then I would have to replace the RAM as well at the very least. At that point, why not also replace the CPU? That's about $300 to dive into.
It could be the power supply failing to provide enough power to the video card. Or at least, I thought it could be. I tested a different power supply on the computer and everything stayed exactly the same. So, that's not the problem.
Then there's the possibility it could be the monitor. I attached a different monitor, just like I attached a different power supply, and the issues continue, so I think this is also unlikely. It's all pointless to consider, though. I can't afford any kind of fix for the problem.
See, I am a student of folly. Last year, an extended series of fits of frustration led to the birth of a rather large debt. This issue was further exacerbated by the joyous birth of my second son. And then further exacerbated still by the failure of my keyboard, mouse and headphones which I use at work. Debt + Debt + repair debt = no way on this blessed earth I will ever be spending money on computer repairs until I fix the wealth of problems I've created. Why so irresponsible?
I don't know. I haven't grown up nearly as much as I would have hoped. I've created enough of a problem that I no longer have the option of throwing money at my computers.
Why the frustration right now? I had decided to reinstall all of my computers. Get a fresh start. Reduce some noise. Reduce some heat issues. Fix some sharing issues which have plagued our computer usage. Grand plans, all. However, right from the start this has gone horribly wrong. Nothing is working. Windows 7 won't seem to install. Nothing wants to work. My brain is fried and my frustration is rising.
I used to be able to do this so easily. I have to wonder what the source of my current issues truly is. Have I become incompetent? Am I being stymied by some outside force for good reason or malicious? Is it random?
I don't know. I do know, very clearly, that bearing the weight of your own poor decisions is not pleasant. Especially when the end is so very far away. Time to man up. Accept that things are broken. Accept I can't fix it. Accept I will no longer get to have the conveniences I once enjoyed. Try to move on.