I have some pretty grand dreams. Also I am almost arrogantly convinced they will all come true. Accordingly, I have risked my entire life's accomplishments on the assumption that these dreams are legitimate foretellings of my future. When I say "risked" what I mean is that I have not pursued a career of any sort, I have not attempted to establish a rooted lifestyle in any given area and I have not committed myself to obtaining a certificate of higher education. I have spurned these normalities, not out of recklessness or irresponsibility, but out of an honest belief in following the will of God present in my life.
Where this has landed me, at the age of 31, is in a life wholly dependent on my continued obedience to God's direction in writing this story. Aside from the story, I have no real marketplace value which would pave the way toward a job capable of supporting our lifestyle. This is not a manifesto for how I have no intention of seeking "regular" employment. I am currently and actively seeking work. Rather, it is a statement of facts. God has provided for us. God will continue to provide for us. We have no means of providing for ourselves outside of His divine intervention and/or providence.
Every month passed with bills paid and residence secured is blatant evidence of this provision.
I was recently (at work) posed with an insinuation of adultery. Which is to say, it was suggested there was an avenue for adulterous inception. I have at no point spoken of this event because I dismissed it so immediately that it's remembrance didn't occur to me until today. Before becoming disgusted for all the wrong reasons, let me qualify myself in two ways before continuing:
1) When I say I dismissed the thought immediately, I am being honest. It's not because I am such a perfectly devoted husband, though it is my strongest desire to be so. Unfortunately, I am every bit as lascivious and demented as you might suspect. We all do what we must to suppress the will of our selfish humanity which turns our attempts at nobility into disingenuous drivel. I too participate in as many restraints and controls as I can hurl at my perverted mind, but I don't mean to claim some glorified sense of propriety where (as far as my person is concerned) it simply does not exist.
2) I only remembered the event in relation to realizing how blessed I am. I pondered the wonderful woman who is my wife as I packed boxes this morning and I was overwhelmed by the truth of how immensely she has altered and augmented my existence.
There is no scenario where the affections of another could ever amount to anything other than the greatest possible personal loss for me. Esther has so deeply entrenched herself in my life with the free and honest application of her love and devotion that I am only ever struck by a fear of losing it. The thought of doing anything which might endanger the existence of her aid in my life is repugnant beyond the simple confines of morality or righteousness. It bleeds over into the realm of self-preservation. I simply could not lead the life I lead or pursue the obedience to God that I pursue without Esther at my side. I have, at times, claimed a level of torment over my desire to see the fruits of my labors and to feel the warmth of legitimization from those fruits. That feeling is nothing compared to the tortured aimlessness I would become lost in were Esther not at my side providing encouragement, direction and, yes, the occasional chastisement.
Nine years ago God approached me in a very personal way. He said to me that as a preamble to all He was about to ask of me, He was going to give me the greatest gift He had ever given to anyone aside from salvation itself. He gave me a good wife. Esther is, to me, the embodiment of Proverbs 31.
"An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle. She extends her hands to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her, saying: 'Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.' Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."