Monday, January 18, 2010

What am I becoming?

I imagine the thought crosses everyone's mind from time to time. "When I become __ what kind of a __ will I be?" For instance, when I become a father, what kind of father will I be. Well, I already had a few ideas about this. I am noticing that father I am is a bit different from the one I wanted to be.

I was determined, in every sense of the word, to make language a huge part of Malachi's life. I want him to go to sleep hearing it, to wake up listening to it, to be surrounded by words all throughout his day. I want him to be able to learn to read as soon as possible and I want him to have a deep love for the pasttime of reading. I had all sorts of ideas about what this would mean for him during his infancy, but none of those ideas in any way reflect what is going on right now.

I know, there's no super huge rush right? He's only six weeks along, I can start any time. It's no problem. Sure, it isn't. Knowing I am not living up to my own expectations is half the battle really. At least I am aware of the problem. At least I have the tools I need now to find a solution.

But it all makes me wonder a bit. What am I becoming as a father? I have grand ideas about the man I will be, but when life takes over and routine takes over and necessity takes over in the everyday grind of it all, what am I really going to be?

I have long lived my life in a more or less passive sense. I let days pass by unobtrusively, sitting back and watching them unfold however they might. I am comfortable with this. I am realizing, though, that if I want to be anything that approaches the kind of person I imagine myself to be, especially as it relates to my son, then I am going to have to change all that. I need to approach each day with a larger dose of intention. I have to start making plans. I hope I can get there... and soon. Time is slipping away.

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