I have done a lot of ranting of late. I often think to myself that it is a good thing to write out what I am feeling and to do so honestly. I think it is fair for people to know the details of my struggle because I would imagine my struggle is not so very different from the struggles of others. My feelings of depression, inadequacy and frustration are pretty cyclical, I have no illusions about that. I certainly don't want to bore people by overextending the duration of my downside.
On one hand, I feel like I don't really have a choice or a say in the matter. My circumstances are what they are and wishful thinking is not going to do much to alter them. I could spend years in this same situation of uncertainty and dread. There's no mandate in the universe to keep me fully informed about what is going to happen next. None at all. In that respect, it isn't really up to me how long my downside lasts.
On the other hand, I think emotions are fickle at best. I don't think a person can allow his actions to be determined by his emotions and expect any sort of success. At a certain point, I believe I must master my emotions and press onward. I must pit my will against my feelings and subjugate them accordingly. Nobody wants to read a bunch of sad-sap whining day after day. Sadness is really only gratifying inasmuch as it relates to the happiness which follows. Otherwise it is self-indulgent.
Ultimately, I want to avoid such self-indulgence.
I also don't want anyone who reads this to think my situation is in any way an indictment against God. In all things, God is supreme. He holds the whole of reality in His hand and He possesses infinite resources. My circumstances can never, in any way, mock His sovereignty. Nor would I pretend they could. God can provide. God will provide.
In that vein, I put it to you, the reader, that I dare God to provide for us. I need not know how or why He does what He does, I only ask that He meet our needs and give us the correct vision to see His work as it is: the work of meeting our needs. I dare Him to provide me with a source of income which I can both tolerate and enjoy. I dare Him to make it so that source of income combined with my family still leaves room in life for writing. I dare Him to shame anyone who might doubt His provision by providing for us. Even if that person is me.
I do not dare God as though I were His peer or in any way qualified to make a demand of Him. I dare Him as His servant who is beneath Him and wholly dependent upon His whim.