It Is That Which It Is

I think the depression is mostly behind me at this point, which is good for getting on with life. Esther is still on the verge of losing her job (a very good thing because it's about time she had a chance to catch her breath and enjoy being a mom first + a sad thing because she loves the Jarvis boys so much) and I am still unemployed. This simply won't do.

So, I am busily in search of gainful employment and hopefully employment of the variety that will actually produce enough money to pay our bills. I'm not terribly picky, though. I'll take employment that produces money and God will just have to worry about making the bills get paid.

In line with that, I think I've finally gotten over the hump of believing my writing is going to produce money. I know it might sound like a bratty thing to say, but it's really not intended to be. Earning money from writing has always been my dream, but having given up on that is liberating in many senses. First, it is liberating because I don't have to put so much stress and consideration into looking for an agent. In line with that, I am working on pumping out those last few query letters I had been putting off all these months. Second, it is liberating because I no longer have to worry about getting published at all. If the agents all fall through, then I am simply back to square one, which is presenting my books on my website and leaving the business side of it all untouched. And honesty, I hate the business side. I don't want any part of it. I have no business sense and I have no ability to sell myself. Thirdly, it helps me make peace with being a janitor. Or a secretary. Or a box stacker. Or whatever. If menial, mindless jobs are my lot, it is at least no longer linked to my writing. I certainly won't be anywhere even close to as productive as I had imagined, especially not with a job/family eating up 99.9(ad infinitum)% of my time and energy, but I will be able to write without worry about where it is going or what it is going to accomplish or (especially) what I need to do to get it there.

That's liberating.